A Story of My First Love

Is there anyone else out there that is in a wonderfully happy relationship but still thinks about how someone in their past is doing from time to time? I find myself thinking about someone every so often. Sometimes the thoughts are pleasant and sometimes, not so pleasant but they also very in strength. Sometimes it’s just a passing thought and sometimes the feeling is so strong that I feel like I need to just reach for the phone and call them immediately. That’s how our relationship was though. We always knew when the other needed to talk. We may not have been on the same wavelength with anything else but we were usually there to listen to each other. It’s really hard to ignore these feelings but I’ve been doing it for so long now, I know they go away.

He and I started dating in high school my sophomore year. He had found out early that there was a plethora of girls with low self esteem out there who would love to just hear someone thought they were pretty, special, and a good catch. That’s what he did for them, and for me. I went from being “one of the guys” to being a special girl. Joke was on me though. Not even being “special” to him could stop him from cheating on me with another low self esteemed chubby girl, a friend of mine even.

I immediately vowed to never talk to either of them again.

I immediately broke the vow when he called me to apologize that night. I denied him forgiveness and told him I wasn’t a girl who sat back and got cheated on. I would not put myself in that position again. Nope, I’d find much worse positions throughout the years but that’s later in the story and even parts of others.

We remained friends. It was high school. He moved away but we kept in touch. He had a bad home life and I was there to listen. I had an alcoholic father and he understood because his parents were both drug addicts. It was like finding someone outside my social bubble to talk to about things I wasn’t ready to let my other friends know about. Somewhere in that midst of late night chatting we fell in love. Young puppy love. My first real love.

He moved back briefly and we decided to give it another chance. I immediately got the chance to date someone else who I’d had my eye on for a few years. I took the chance knowing it would never happen again. I broke his heart this time but we remained friends.

Of course, it was all high school drama. I did not remain with the other boyfriend for long (another long and involved story if I ever get the chance). I never really forgave myself for letting him go that time but we all make silly choices when we think we’re missing something on the other side. Good ol’ green grass theory. He came to see me a few times here and there. We talked for hours about what we wanted to do after high school which would be ending soon. I was always interested in what he wanted to do to better himself. Like I said, his family life was really crappy. By this time his mother was in jail, he was living with grandparents, and he was determined to make something better of himself.

Once I was out of high school I moved to a bigger city and had an apartment to myself. He would visit me there and we’d just spend the whole night talking, playing games, doing other things ;). We never made it official. We were just what we were with the assumption that once we were ready to settle down we’d do that with each other. That’s just not a good idea. I pretended not to be jealous when I knew he was seeing other people. He’d be angry at me when I’d make a stupid move and date someone he knew was bad for me. It got to the point where it tore us apart more than make us stronger. If you love someone, you just can’t see them with someone else unless you’ve given them up for good. We hadn’t done that so it destroyed us.

We still kept in touch. It got harder to listen to him talk about his life when I was so unhappy with mine. He stopped coming around. He stopped caring about what I was doing. He didn’t listen when I had something to say. It became one sided and very immature. Then, one night he told me he was engaged. He told me he had met the perfect girl. He was ready to marry her.

I was ready to hurl him through a window.

Instead I hung up the phone and cried. It was the best eye opening cry I had ever had. However, being so heartbroken caused me to make stupid decisions. I got involved with the wrong men. I wasn’t sure what love was anymore and realized obviously I had the wrong view of it all. I am not blaming it all on him. No. It was just something that sent me over the edge for a little while. I stopped caring about myself. That took God to bring me back to normal. (Another story, yes I have many, for another time)

Then, I met Mike. I feel in love for all the right reasons with someone who really did give a damn. Finally, I was ready to get married and move on with my life.

One night, he called. He wanted to say he had been wrong. He wanted to know if he could go back. It was too late. I explained what was going on. I was engaged. I was a month away from my wedding date. I was going to go through with it. I still cared about him, not like I used to, but I didn’t have any hard feelings. I wished him well. We met one more time before I was married to talk. He still tried to talk me out of getting married. He told me of the promises we’d made and asked me to keep them. I almost laughed. I reminded him that it was him who broke the promise in the first place. No matter what we had thought it wasn’t meant to be.

Though I felt victorious in a way, I also felt really badly. We still kept in touch. It’s not easy to just “kick” someone out of our life when they’ve been there for so long. I got married and moved away. He got married, too. He told me he was happy. However, he was still the same person he’d become after high school. He never listened and seemed to almost brag about his life to make it seem alright that we didn’t make it.

We haven’t talked in almost 3 years. My choice. I finally decided it wasn’t worth my time anymore. However, I still think about him and sometimes wish I could know what he was dong and if he was really happy. Then I take some time to think and realize that’s just not my problem anymore.